The Past Weekend I have been dodging people and with the stress of money issues i had allot of tummy issues...
09-03-2180 till 11-03-2018
The past weekend was a silent weekend. I did have to dodge people as Auntie Thelma's family
was there, visiting her, the whole weekend and i did not want to bother her while her family is there. I did drink a coffee
with her on Sunday evening when they were all gone but with the tummy being upset again; it made it a short visit.
When i was just on Matrizapine my tummy was ok'ish but now with the other pills it has become
worse and the depression is back again as well. I am still dosing up week by week till i hit the mg's i am suppose to
be on, which will be tonight, so it might be that. I can't remember the other two pill's names - i will find out and add it
on my next letter. I was stressed out about money as well so it can be that...
I lent friends of mine money last month and they only gave it back in drips-and-drabs which caused
me to lend money which i had to give back to everyone at the end of the month. Not only that but i lost R350 out of the lending
as i had to give extra money back for lending the money. This threw me off my axell as i have to
live on as little as possible money this month to catch up again but it is failing and i am lending money again. I sat
with almost no money this weekend and i was stressing about asking the friends that lent money from me; to ask them
to lend me R500.
Money Money Money - Why struggle for friends in need...
Money Money Money
I do not live beyond my means. I make sure that i have R3000 in my pocket for food and other small
things for the month but if you fall behind with even just a R1000 on a month you have trouble as at the end of the month
you have to lend money to catch up again. It then takes at least 3 to 4 months to catch up as you have to pay the interest
back as well - wherever you lent it from.
I fell back on R2000 because of a friend that asked if she can lent it. She told me that i will have
it back in 3 days. 3 days went past, then 4, then a week and she still did not give it. Then i ran out of money and asked
her to pay a small amount back and she did - only a few hundred rand...
For 4 weeks till the end of the month i was pissed of at her because she only gave small amounts.
That small amount can only last me 3 days but she only gave me money once a week. This caused me to pawn my car sound,
lend money from people and sell stuff. All in all i lost R350 because of all the interest but i did not tell her as i
felt that she might be in bigger money issues than me and i just left it.
I fell back on about R3000 in total so i am kinda fucked this month again. Last night i needed
money and wanted to ask my sister to lend me some but i then thought that since my friend lent money from me i will lend
from her and see what the reaction will be. I sent her a message yesterday morning and she told me i can lend the R500
i asked for and i must fetch it. I decided to go later that day as i was nauseas as hell at that point. Later the day
she told me she can lend the money only the day after when she gets money from clients... I am hoping big time she will
help me like i helped her and if not i will have to swallow my pride and ask my sister again...
This morning i was driving to work and wishing that the car won't stand along side of the road
without fuel. I then got to work and started with the backups of Beverley's laptop. What i find really silly is that
her usb plug isn't plugging in 100% in the slot of the laptop so once you touch the cable it disconnects. I asked her
not to touch it but she keeps putting stuff on the cable causing it to disconnect - this happend about 7 times. Other
than that i have been busy creating this page which i will use as a template for work's IT database for the users page.
I finally got the backups done on the the ladies laptop. I am now busy with another and still working
on this web page which i am also going to use on our IT data base web page. I am actually throwing two stones at the same
time. The cleaner cleaned my office. I locked my laptop but i do not have a password on it. When i got back in to the office
some of my personal letters was open and other things. My laptop is still as dirty as it was before so someone snooped around.
I did ask the cleaning lady but she said no one except her was in my office... wonder if someone isn't hacking my laptop...
Last night when i went home i did not have money to drive all the way back home and asked my friend
if she has the money yet to lend to me. She said no and suggested i ask my brother in law. I had to painfully ask him to
help me with R200 but he did not have any on him. I was still at the mall so i asked him if he can pay in in directly
and i will pay the R50 bank fee when i get pay again. He did and i was happy!
I shouldn't have but i bought 2 beers and went to the beach to fine tune my sound. I then went and
got something to eat, ate and as usual to skip the nausea i went straight to bed at about 9pm.
Eish... I have someone after my bones but i'm not interested yet...
NOT interested yet...
i Was sitting at work one day when i got a whatsapp msg's from some number i do not know. It was a lady
that lived close to me who asked me about the college i studied at. I was confused on how she got my number, details and
how she knows where i studied at. I then clicked that she must of gotten my surname and number from someone i know and went
to check my Facebook out. At first i wanted to make a joke and say "stalker alert" but i answered her back normally as a person
All of a sudden after one or two messages she tells me she likes me allot and i was like "waaaaait a bit"
but did not actually write it... I just ignored her; hoping she would notice i don't feel the same. A while after that she sent
me a few normal messages until she told me she likes me again. I replied by saying i like her as a friend as well but i think
she miss read. She then carried on chatting and asking me if i would like to go to places with her. I would of but with the
sick that i have and medication i just started with, work, money issue... i just told her i can't and explained it in a nice
way. She told me she understood but her actions was otherwise.
It carried on where she made moves on me and, or, i would ignore her or i would tell her in a nice way
i am not interested but it fell on deaf ears. I finally got cross on Saturday and sent her a long message explaining the
that at this moment, in my life, i am not interested in any relationship and that i am enjoying being alone as i have always been
and have no need for a partner at this stage. She kept quiet the whole weekend. Monday morning came and she sent me a short
message wishing me a good day. I felt bad and started chatting with her but she still hit the brakes on just normal convo's.
So, she is giving me an option... or i am some kind of a boyfriend to her or she is going to ignore me...
I will rather ignore at this stage as well. I don't have time or anything for this at the moment so i'm just gonne go with the
Now, don't get me wrong. She is a nice person and is pretty but i am not ready for more than friendship right now...
Anxiety, Depression and Phobia - This is part, and mostly, the reason why i created this blog...
Anxiety, Depression and Phobia...
This is actually a loooong story but i'll make it as short as i can. When i was 24-years-old i fell sick.
I was under allot of stress! I will talk about this in a different letter of my dad and his Girlfriend at a later stage. Anyways,
I fell sick...
I was permanently nauseas with an odd feeling on my tummy. Things escalated up to a point where i got asthma. extreme heartburn,
feeling weak, tired all the time, could not sleep, had no energy at all, heavy constipation with blood all over, dizzy spells and
allot of other things like bloated and farting all the time and and and... In a years time i saw 5 doctors who each had his or her own diagnoses and i went for all possible tests except
a MRI. Even after all the medication and diets that i was on i just got worse no matter what i tried. I just thought that all the suffering
will go away if i take my own life - i just gave up... until...
I was a chatter on MIRC. A girl chased my bones and i fell in love with someone i only chatted and spoke
over the phone with. At the same time i was eating super healthy and gyming every evening. I woke up one morning feeling like
i was never sick. I had so much energy i could fly! I made a quick plan and moved to Cape Town to start life again.
The relationship did not work out as this girl also had mental issues but at that stage i did not
know anything about depression or anxiety. I worked for a call center which was great but then the managers started jumping
on me as this company got a new CEO and he told them to put force on everyone. It was so bad that i started getting sick again.
I got the same symptoms but less ontop of each other and more far apart. The most common one is tummy issues and mass nausea.
I then went for all possible tests again and i was only told that i am a perfectly healthy human being. I saw my doctor for 2
years and he finally sent me a psychologist.
The psychologist then confirmed that i had high anxiety, a few types, and high depression. He suggested
that i move to a small town where i have no human interaction and that i work fixing fridges and stuff and that i have one
person that deals with the client and that should be the only person i should be or come in contact with.
Not long after that i was sent to Dr. Giselle Rausch. Very cool person and great eye candy as well but
as i got to know her she become like a good friend - that i pay for to give me advice, haha. She confirmed that i have massive
depression, massive anxiety and a phobia which is the fear of vomiting. I was 5 years with her and we got as far as getting me
to feel better but not enough or i would get more negative effects from the medication. At the end of the day she wanted to
medically board me because she tried all the medication and nothing worked. She then gave me medication, a last try, to see
if it would work. I then started getting panic attacks on top of everything else and lost my job due to it. I then moved to my dad
with the hope that i would become better again...
Things was way better when i left and went to my dad - about 50% better and that is ALLOT. Untill my dad
became very abusive and this caused some unwanted friction between us. He then did not pick me up for work and left me at home
for 2 months. In that 2 months i was 100% - i was not sick even for one minute. I was all alone, had no money issues as i saved
my pention i got from the previous job and could do what i want which was being in bed and sleeping 90% of the time. There
was only one things left - the panic attacks which i later found out on my own that it was one of the pills i was drinking that
Because my dad became so abusive my family told me to rather move away from him and to Cape Town where
my sister was. She gave me allot of empty promises but at the end of the day she did come through with most of them. I was
without work for 3 months and was never sick. I then started working for a very-very abusive boss and i started getting extra
symptoms which was feeling as if i am going to faint, loss of appetite, nausea was back and a few other things... This
boss of mine did not give me medical aid, a good pay and also did not allow me to go to the government clinic to get medication.
I got out of his clutches and joined a company which i feel is the most less stressful job i can do for
the below average pay. I got medical aid and saw a local psychiatrist and a behaviorist specialist.
Both these people were shit but the psychiatrist gave me a pill that worked on and off, but, i got
the doses right on my own which took the depression away almost completely. I only had the high anxiety and phobia to work with then.
After a few visits to these doctors my boss told me that she does not know how long i am going to work there as i am not getting
better and i am sick for at least 2 to 3 days a month. I then decided to go back to my old psychiatrist as she was the best...
I got to her and she gave me extra medication. I will write all the names down in a future letter... I have
been drinking the new pills but i am now feeling even worse than i have felt in 3 months. I am still upping the dosage as the
doctor said so i think it might be that but now my boss said that the big bosses could see how nervice i was and that they are
thinking if they are going to keep me and if they do they might have to get backup IT technicians for emergencies.
I am losing job after job with this sickness and i will have to send my psychiatrist a letter to let her
know things isn't going well...
Well... that is about it. I have loads more to say but i guess in time you will see how all of this sick is
controlling my life...
This is a letter about what i am going through everyday with the sickness i have...
daily medical issues...
Every morning when i wake up i feel fresh but will drink a Sandoz bromazapam or i will have tummy issues
as i get to work - or feel sick in my tummy with nausea. I think it is because i'm scared of what will happen at work.
If my boss calls me to ask me things or if someone is unfair toward me i get a panic attack and this
happens most days. Once again; i will drink a Bromazapam to chill out but it takes an half an hour.
By 12pm i am so tired i can not focus and have no energy at all - no matter how hard or how little i work that day.
By 2pm i am completely fucked. I just want to go home and climb under the blanky and hide from the world. I'm
stressed out, can't think or concentrate and that causes me not to work as i feel like crying.
At 4pm when i go home i plan to go sleep but always try my best not to as it will cause me not to sleep at night.
I then usually walk like a zombie in the mall close by or go sit at Auntie Thelma and drink coffee to stay awake.
I only eat for the first time in the day at about 8pm as i get nauseas after eating and go straight to bed after
that or i will have one hell of an evening with the nausea and throwing up. I dare not to go out for drinks or to eat something
or i will also be massively nauseas and throw up if i don't get home. It is almost like my home is my safe place.
So, in total: from the morning till the evening i am shaking, have high anxiety which leads to depression which
leads to tummy issues and hiding away from people as much as i can!
Sometimes i get so sick that i can not come to work and then my boss is unhappy. I get a full on stomach flu
which is not actually a stomach flu but the anxiety and depression that is over the limit and it feels like a tummy flu for 3 days.
On and off during the week i will feel like i am going to faint, heartburn attacks me, feeling bloated
and deflating comes with it, nauseas all the time till i get home, sore muscles all in the neck and shoulder areas. This is just
few things i can name.
I can not go out with friends and eat or drink something or i will get massive nausea and then shake and
finally vomit. At this stage i will want to go home to my "safe place" but driving home is worse. I have to swallow the whole
time not to throw up and then i get home i usually cry as it becomes to much. I will drink a bropazapam or two and feel better
an hour later to which i will go straight to bed.
This causes me not to have any friends as they do invite me but i refuse as i am scared something bad
will happen to me psychically and emotionally. They would think i have an attitude and not come in contact with me again.
I am also negative as hell when i am with friends as i have allot of my mind due to the anxiety but i am trying my best
not to do it. I also have no girlfriend as i am scared that with my issues it won't last long.
As i went to the car i passed a mechanic that lives close by. I asked him how much will he charge
me to put a new top gaskit in the car if i buy everything and help him. He told me R250. I stopped him and said that
he can not charge me that little and that he has to think today on a larger amount. I am aiming for a thousand and paying
it off in two month. I will only have the money next month, so this month i will give him R500 and next month R500.
My bosses PA always wants to score browny points with my boss and she is a little bitch when
she wants to be. Yesterday she sat the whole morning with my boss chatting. When she started working she then only decided
to tell me the main printer is printing slow. I explained to her that if she prints allot of things it takes time for the data
to go to the printer and for the printer to print but she kept on that it is something with the network. I told her that it is
the printer and that the network is fine. She then phones Nashua, the company we are renting the printer from, and the techie
there told her that it must be the driver on her computer. She then came to my office and told me the techie said it is the network
and i have to fix it - he can't. I then phoned the techie and he said he never told her that and that he told her it is the driver.
I went to her PC to download the driver quick and install it. It takes 10 seconds to download the driver as we are on a 50meg
connection and the file is 30meg big. At that point she pissed herself and talked to me like i'm a dog - demanding that i should
do it from my laptop. She isn't my boss and it would take a minute max to install the latest driver. I just kept quiet and walked
away. About 30 minutes later, after testing the new driver on my laptop, i went to her to install the new driver and she told me
that my boss, who is her boss, told her that it is just some documents which is large and there is nothing wrong on her or anyones
laptop regarding the printer and that the network is fine. The PA was all of a sudden very nice to me but you could see in her
face that she was forced to be nice to me.
By the afternoon i was tired as can be again but i tried to do as much work as possible even
though my brain did not want to work with. I then went to my friend and she lent me R400 so long. After that i just
drove to the beach, drank 2 beers while playing around with the sound system. I then went home, ate something and went to bed.
Wednesday, what a way to spell a day of the weeks name... Never the less, it is mid week and things should become a little better.
The Wednesday Saga...
I have a sore neck today. I am super tired and the funny part is that i slept well and the neck thing
is from stress. My tummy is also starting now and at this point that i am writing this - it's 11:18. I am stressing and
just need a bit of time away from everything but even if a person is sick and don't feel well - you still have to work your ass off.
I went home yeste rday and drank 2 coffee's; wondering if i should buy beer or not. I ended up buying two beers.
I bought it from a new place close to the beach. When i took the beers they were semi-hot and it disapointed me that i did not buy
them from somewhere else but i was tired and not in the mood to drive far so i took the beers and went to the beach to fine tune the
sound system. I got home later that night and wen't to bed after eating.
Why I don't want to do IT work as a career anymore...
I fell in to IT as my parents did not have money so that i could go study. A friend introduced me to a guy
that has an IT shop and i asked the guy if he can train and educate me in the IT field and i will work for him for free. Only
a few years later my Mother sent me for 2 simple Computer studies but by then i already know how to work on Computers, Networks,
developing, Backups and so forth. The things about 20-years-ago is that people knew so little about Computers that they never argued
with you about Computers - but in today's world...
It is all about bullshiting the clients these days because the client thinks he knows more than you because
he can browse on the net or play games. So, you have to bullshit the client to change his mind about something he is wrong about.
People then complain that you do not do your job right to your boss. What they don't know is that no one can know everything about IT.
An IT guy is technical or he is not and it is the technical bit that makes him an IT guy - if he has experience in something or not.
At the moment i am thinking of changing careers but i'm not sure in what yet. I want to do something that has
nothing to do with people but still be able to pay the bills.
The IT world is just to stressful and theres allot of bullshitting from everywhere going on in the IT world.
I need a less stressful job for the sicknesses i have but still be able to make just-just enough money to pay rent, for fuel and to eat.
Thursday was quite an odd evening for me! haha! Click below to read more.
Odd Thursday evening.
Yesterday i focused on the Internal IT web page of the bunisness. It was a long and tiring day. I went home
and had a few coffees while struggling with a Microtic Routerboard at home - my own. I bought it to train myself in it. I then
decided to do washing and to go to the beach as i do every night, listen to my sound and drinking a beer.
At one stage i fine tuned the sound and pushed the sound system to it's limits for about 2 songs will i
smelled elecronic stuff burning. The big amp of the subs went off and i switched everything off. I went through it all but
all i can think of is that it must of been a tweeter that blew. To think if it, it might be the split system unit that has gone.
Anyway, so i was about to go through the tunes on my phone when the cops stopped at my car. They acted like they searched me and
my car and told me that someone in the area told them i am using drugs, shooting with a gun and my sound of the car is hard. It
was so funny. I sat there for an hour after that in the car and the people who called the cops was standing on their belcony
screaming and so forth at me but i just ignored them but did not push the sound system up again.
I then got home and the flat was under water. The washing machine drained its water and the pipes
was blocked of the flat again, or even drain system, and i had to mop all the water up.
Now, before the cops came when i was at the beach, the girl who is after my bones, breaked hard somewhere
and it sent messages to her parents. They pitched up at my house and spoke to aunty Thelma and told her that they want my
insurance information because i drove in to her car the other day and i haven't paid for it yet. I then asked this lady,
that is after my bones, and she just said that her parents thought she was in an accident and went to me. I'm still confused about
I just wanted an episode of The Grand Tour and went to bed...
At night is where my anxiety has destroy'd me. I'm tired, stressed out, have tummy issues and it
just is a mass fuckup. But! If i drink 2 beers at night, i'm calm with no issues at all. It relaxes me so much that
when the cops stopped and searched me and my car i was calm and saw everything in a good way. They should make beer
pills! I can not drink anything else than Castle light or the anxiety and fear of being sick the next day actually makes
me sick the next day. Not only that but i get drunk really-really quick and get fedup of drinking after the 2 beers - it's always been like that.
Stress at work with my bosses PA... i wanted to send this letter to my boss...
The letter i wanted to send to my boss...
After being falsely accused by you regarding my work performance and abilities (a few things) i did some research and with time found out that Bonita is behind it all. I then started hearing that a few people in the plant was complaining about her as well. Now, i know that she is a great friend to you but people closest to you is usually your biggest enemy. I'm sorry to say this but you are very gullable towards someone you find a very good friendship in and it closes your eyes completely from the truth. Luckely there are true people out there that cares and in TNV Plastics there are just a hand full that i can name; that you can trust and Bonita is not one of them.
When you (anyone except you) are alone with Bonita she is a super friendly person that talks and listens but once a person is in front of you (Chantal), for no propper reason, goes off at that person as if he or she broke her favourite toy as if she is trying to score browny points from you Chantal – even if she has to lie about it to get what she wants.
The part that irritates me is that she is aiming to make a persons name ass in front of you – for no valid reason and most of the time falsely accuses you of not doing your work and talk to a person in a very rude manner. She is not my, or anyones, boss... She is a PA (Personal assistant) that assists you with personal work related activities that you have to do and can not get to it to do it yourself. She is not a manager – nor is she the GM or a Co GM. She has no right to falsely accuse anyone and then attacking them in front of you.
She complains about other peoples behaviours and work habbits; which of 80% is false as she did not do her homework before throwing a tantrum about it in front of you – to score browny points. It is fine is she tells you things but she has to do her homework before blabbering it all out. This makes you react aggressively towards the other person over, if i dare to say it, a lie.
Once you want to explain yourself she talks over you as loud as she can so that you can't defend or explain yourself.
I want you to read the following very carefully and think about this for a while. The way she "skinners" and talks bad of other people with you; goes the other way around as well. I actually wanted to make recordings of this but i am not allowed to do that in the work place without the persons knowledge.
I feel that i had to write this as i have heard from other people how she talks badly not only about other people but about me; allot. I have also seen, fist hand, more than once, how she falsely accuse other people about various things. The way she comes down on you like a class 5 hurrican in front of you with me and not giving me a chance to defend or explain myself gives the indication that she knows she is wrong and she is trying to cover it up. When Kong was here she did the same and her reaction towards me is the reason why Kong see's me the way he does.
I am a very calm and peaceful person but as calm as i am; i can become quite a hand full when i'm being falsely accused – especially when it comes to my job that gives me the money to have a roof over my head and that provides me food on the table.
People are telling me, all over the plant, that since Bonita has been here you have been falsely accusing them of things and they can not handle it anymore...
Please do not see this as a threat or a "warning" from my side, but rather valuable information.